Sometimes love is out to get your scalp.#valentinesday

— David Barneda (@barneda) February 12, 2013

Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January.

— ali waller (@imaliwaller) February 14, 2011

I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."

— Rory (@RorynotRoy) August 19, 2012

Oh, macaroni, you'd be lost without the cheese and you know it.

— donni(@donni) January 2, 2011

Upset by the bad grade, Martin threw the homework across the classroom. He was put in timeout by Ms. Stein, his son's teacher.

— Very Short Story (@VeryShortStory) January 14, 2013

Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank he can rob the world.

— Craving(@calluptome) November 30, 2011

Curves are what turns a girl into a woman. If I wanted to see your ribs I'd ask for an X-ray.

— Judd Nelson (@JustASmirk) April 17, 2012

Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it's very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.

— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) December 9, 2010

IMAGE: a rhino trots up with a selection of donuts on his horn. u wanted cream-filled but are a good-natured soul & realize his limitations.

— Miah St. Cyr (@MiahSaint) June 9, 2012

~Illustrated by: Francis Anderson~

A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.

— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) October 5, 2012

~Illustrated by: Francis Anderson~

Nothing is more terrifying than another human being walking toward you with a smile and a clipboard.

— Anjeanette Carter (@anjeanettec) April 28, 2012