You are NOT the father!

Crouching bear, Hidden panda.

Carl Sagan never said "Billions and Billions". It was said intially by Johnny Carson when doing an impersonation of Sagan. Then when Sagan was on the show one night he went ahead and said it to make everyone happy.

Then he wrote a book with that title in which he recounts the story.

I love Sagan!

Raise your hand if your name is Mohammad.

"Who farted?"

Mark Spitz can't watch as Michael Phelps beats his gold medal record.

Chinese water torture has certainly changed over the years.

Val Kilmer's career isn't what it used to be.

My mom's uterus looks like swiss cheese.

The safeword is "pyramid".

I love to cook and am not too bad at it, especially grilling. What can I say, I'm a Texan, it's in our blood. I love the taste of charcoal as much as the next guy, but I love the ability to control the heat even more.

You can always get faux-flavor but you can't unburn a steak.

I vote gas or both, but not charcoal only.

If you're sittin on the pot and you lay a screaming tot, diarrhea cha cha cha...

The result of eating too much baby food.

That was one mean sh*t!

"Dumpster was full."