I always like to keep $7000.00 on me in case I wanna stop at Whole Foods and get some fruit

— Illuminated Wonder (@illuminatedwndr) May 26, 2012

Post-Traumatic Conference Call Syndrome. Oh, it's real.

— Meeting Boy (@MeetingBoy) February 13, 2012

GOODBYE WORK COMPUTER HELLO HOME COMPUTER

— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) February 8, 2013

HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE WILDERNESS: Call someone and have them come pick you up.

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 18, 2013

Omg, I'm a huge fan!-Windmills

— Shkeeber (@shkeeber) June 8, 2012

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

— James (@jimmy_sharpe) September 17, 2012

I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

— The Shark Knight (@Mothpete) February 23, 2012

Any pizza can be a personal one if you cry while you eat it.

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 19, 2012

So proud watching my son fight invisible monsters in the outfield while the ball rolls right past him.

— andy lassner (@andylassner) June 23, 2012

Why Google Sinatra when you can “Bing” Crosby! #LOL #Terrific #KONY2012

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 25, 2012

I read a tragic children's story this weekend. It was about two books telling a young screenplay that it was adapted.

— Westy (@wwwesty) August 15, 2011

Steven Tyler is aging pretty gracefully for a claymation skeleton who fell into a pile of feathers.

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 8, 2013

I think I have restless leg syndrome. I'm trying to sleep but my leg bought a Harley and took off to "find out what America really IS, man."

— John Moe (@johnmoe) August 22, 2010

When I met Lena Dunham, I couldn't stop dressing her with my eyes.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) February 18, 2013