Our microwave displays the text "FOOD IS DONE" after cooking, in case you're not sure what that beeping sound is. - @matt_silverman 
Apparently, when they say 'black tie' they expect you to wear more than just a black tie. Like I'm a mind reader. - @badbanana 
My money is on MySpace to take the Gold in the Downhill Competition. - @MODAT 
The only problem with driving a bug is that I can't put my coffee on it when I'm looking for the keys - @yaelbt 
I wish dogs had facial expressions because when he's obviously checking out my junk, I'd kind of like to know his opinion. - @plaid_lemur 
If you can't say something nice, kick a baby. Then no matter what you say, it will seem nicer by comparison. - @sucittaM 
I thought I'd dressed accordingly, until I realized the boss' email about "going pubic" was a typo. brb. - @trick_or_tweet 
"THEN HE GOES BACK IN TIME AND THE DOGGIE IS SAD AND ICE CREAM." —My 3 year-old, telling a more coherent story than LOST. - @scottsimpson
How are the people in Boston going to tell the difference between an iPod and an iPad? - @SatiricPacifist
Avatar is just Titanic with blue people. And no boobs. - @ThatDrew
Did a half-gainer off the treadmill this morning; my salute to the "will exercise more" New Years resolution. Good times. Good times. - @ShawnaCoronado 
