They say if you put your ear up to a Shell gas station, you can hear the BP oil spill in the ocean. - @YourFavWhiteGuy 
I'm in a relationship with cheese and it's complicated. - @TiffanyJMoore 
Over 11,000 people are injured every year trying out new sexual positions #SexFacts - @FunnySexFacts 
#ThingsWhitePeopleDo if something isn't working, tap the side of it 2 times, then shrug and call a repair man @YourFavWhiteGuy 
Whoever said "I'll sleep when I'm dead" obviously never met the angel who plays the vuvuzela all day. - @Jesus_M_Christ 
Si vous me cherchez cet après-midi à Marseille, je suis un zèbre. - @sophierandr Translation: If you are looking for me this afternoon, in Marseilles, I am a zebra.
Your bio says you are an astrophysicist, @jimmyfallon. Interesting. I have a spaceship. We should talk. - @richardbranson
When I said I wanted to work from home, I didn't mean on Saturday. - @MeetingBoy 
Why are these Facebook status updates so much more interesting than usual? Oh, because this isn't Facebook—it's a mattress label. My bad. - @derekasaurus 
Smells like feet? RT @stephcliff Would you buy a Jimmy Choo perfume? Green scent w/orchid, toffee and patchouli: http://bit.ly/9UVE2A (WWD) - @SamSifton 
Calcium deficient water? Pfft. That's just soft water. This here, see, has been enhanced with an optically selective light absorbent. - @Wood 
I'm a grown man, and I'll eat as many pudding cups secretly in the garage as I want.
— Dr. Twittenheimer (@DrTwittenheimer) June 16, 2010
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime. Give a kid a fish, it's going to die. Have a story ready. - @robcorddry 
Superman has Chuck Norris Pajamas. - @Pogue
