Hate should burn more calories.

— Sarah Dactyl (@GreenEyedJedi) March 8, 2012

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

My sunglasses are either broke or lost at all times and cheap as hell to begin with. I am my sunglasses.

— tony logan (@tnylgn) May 7, 2013

.@walmart can u help? I've been in the bathroom in ur store for 3 hrs cuz the sign says "employees must wash hands" but nobody has shown up

— jurassic 'stache (@WyanRilson) January 6, 2013

Every time I try to walk into an Anthropologie, the salesgirls smell my poverty and see my fat thighs and they beat me with brooms

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 5, 2013

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they're in the middle of a race.

— No Friends Nige (@koalaslament) May 9, 2012

1. Pick jeans to wear2. Pull them up to thighs3. Pants dance for 3 minutes4. Take pants off5. Put sweatpants on6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) November 8, 2012

Staring longingly at the door works for my cats, but I tried it in a meeting and no one let me out.

— Dr. Twittenheimer (@DrTwittenheimer) June 17, 2010

I'm what Willis was talking about.

— Debbie Harry Cooter (@WhoCuppedMyCake) December 25, 2011

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

— Aspersioncast (@Aspersioncast) May 3, 2013

Most Twaggies are available as prints and t-shirts in the Neatoshop right down here. Don't see the one you're looking for? Just e-mail us! 

Men mean well, but they usually say "good".

— Jaydi Samuels (@JessCallMeJaydi) May 13, 2013

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I've been using them for all this time.

— Get Cougarized (@GetCougarized) March 25, 2012

How to get a woman mad in two easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.

— JD (@JohnDuffy21) April 24, 2013

~Illustrated by: Stefan Hey~

Get this on a T-shirt over at the Twaggies Shop: How to Get a Women Mad in Two Easy Steps

I consider myself ruthless since there are no Ruths in my life.

— SAL (@gmossii) December 27, 2012

~Illustrated by: Grant Kolton~

Get this on a T-shirt over at the Twaggies Shop: I Consider Myself Ruthless

Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?Works for my computer.

— Carbosly (@Carbosly) December 22, 2012

~Illustration by: Jim Bertram~