no. 361 - @AcesEveryTime
~ Illustration by:Â Gary Krejca~
I wish salaries were based on the number of 90's rap songs you could repeat verbatim. -Â @AcesEveryTime
no. 360 - @emcognito
If Picasso was such a great painter, how come Sherwin-Williams got a paint store named after him and he didn't? -Â @emcognito no. 359 - @Squirreljustice
~Illustration by:Â Sam Dakota~
I have to assume the last person who used the pen at the bank just spent the day giving homeless people gloveless pelvic exams. @Squirreljusticeno. 355 - @globetrottgirl
Got pulled over today and cop said "papers"
So I said scissors
I WIN!!
@globetrottgirl no. 358 - @hairicaaa
~Illustration by: Sam Dakota~
When I see a toddler wearing glasses, I automatically assume they can solve a long division problem faster than me. -Â Â @hairicaaano. 357 - @haurdCider
People who sodomize donkeys are fucking assholes. -Â @haurdCider
~Illustration by: Jamie “The Boogieman†Bougher~
no. 354 - @tackie_jackie
~Illustration by:Â Emily Niland~
Gotta say, Huz's sexy when he's screaming like a lunatic for me to stop tweeting and help in the garden. He's also a raging delusionist. - @tackie_jackieno. 356 - @theNuzzy
They just opened an inconvenience store all the way on the other side of town. -Â @theNuzzy
no. 353 - @SarahKSilverman
~Illustration by:Â Greg Smith~
"Not in my backyard!" Wait--was someone trying to be gay in your backyard?? -Â @SarahKSilverman
no. 352 - @haurdCider
no. 351 - @falarina
~Illustration by:Â Kevin Coffee~
It's a very happy flight when every part of the person next to you fits in their seat. -Â @falarinano. 350 - @OneLinersPlus
Sometimes I wonder why I'm still single. Then I look down and see that I'm wearing socks and sandals and suddenly everything makes sense -Â @OneLinersPlus no. 349 - @crocpunch
no. 347 - @meganshpettit
 ~Illustration by: Kaz Foxsen~
I'd kill for her body. Would I eat healthy and work out every day for it? No. But I'd kill for it. @meganshpettitno. 348 - @slyoung5
~Illustration by: Fernando Chan~ Â
I told my husband that my g-spot misses him... just like he always misses my g-spot. Â - @slyoung5
