Just been told “five minutes til sausage time”. Not sure whether to get the sauce out or shave me legs.

— Sarah Millican (@SarahMillican75) April 10, 2013

~Illustrated by: Jake Slingland~

My ex told me "you should tell me when you orgasm." I told him I didn't want to bother him at work.

— Paige Binder (@Lpbinder) April 10, 2013

Can I subscribe to your issues?

— Bleeding Gums Murphy (@PUEBLOPLUG) December 12, 2012

Do transformers buy car or life insurance?

— Um Hello (@poopidoop) March 22, 2013

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

— Westy (@wwwesty) October 12, 2010

I'm gay but not 'Disney Villain' gay.

— Blair, Loudly (@BlairLoudly) February 1, 2013

Thanks to the amazingly talented Steve Casino from SteveCasino.com, who creates art from peanuts. Below you can see how he made this character for Twaggies.

I drink because of the stress of knowing that cats walk on our cars at night.

— Billy Wipe Lightly (@B_poling82) June 25, 2012

No, no...THIS is a drug bust... *Uncovers a bust of Beethoven made out of cocaine*

— LL Cool Tay (@freshestginger) June 4, 2013

“Hi, my name is Chris and it’s been 84 days since my last hashtag” *Twitter Anonymous erupts into raucous applause*

— Chris Sherk (@TheIronSherk) June 4, 2013

~Illustrated by: Toonedbob~

I'm never more amazed at the fact I'm still alive than when I look up from my phone & I've driven to my destination w/ no recollection of it

— Jason (@jasonlight73) December 8, 2011

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

Some licenses aren't particularly poetic.

— Paul Castle (@DaddyBird) June 23, 2013

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

Twitter is the largest collection of cynical, unhappy people I’ve ever seen. I’m finally home.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 8, 2013

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

— squidbite (@squidbite) June 27, 2013

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

Say what you want about rotary phones. They hardly ever ended up in the toilet.

— Peggy O'Brien (@notoriousPOB) November 17, 2012

— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) May 29, 2013

As always, you can get this on a t-shirt from the neatoshop!