~Original illustration by: @Pants~

Saw a group of ants carrying a Funyun and it made me wish my friends and I had a giant Funyun.

— MJ (@sucittaM) June 21, 2012

You've really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can't reach it.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 7, 2010

The exciting thing about flying to America without enough underwear is guessing, will you buy underwear there, or end up naked and homeless?

— Julian Gough (@juliangough) March 2, 2011

I just clocked a guy in the eye with my iPhone for grabbing my waist. First thought: "Is my iPhone okay?"

— Bree Olson (@BreeOlson) July 7, 2012

Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) April 3, 2012

You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40yrs and still can't conjugate verbs.

— Annabel Oakes (@annabeloakes) August 22, 2012

RT @michcoll: A handy way to remind yourself that you're alive is handling some jalepenos and then putting your contact lenses in.

— alexa chung (@alexa_chung) March 23, 2012

~Original illustration by: Wobbly Goggy~

RT @untresor: "I want you to remove your bonnet. Stop. That's it. Stop. Now unlace that bodice. Stop. You are a dirty pioneer woman. Sto ...

— Got 'Em Coach (@GotEm_Coach) August 17, 2012

~Original illustration by: Wobbly Goggy~

I'm playing Hide & Seek with my niece. I know she's under the bed, but I'm enjoying the peace and quiet. She's been there since Sunday.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) September 4, 2012

The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say "to the" between each letter in their word.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 1, 2012

Everything you need to know about who a person really is can be found in their iTunes top 25 played songs.

— Jeff Wild (@jiffywild) September 7, 2012

~Illustrated by: Chelsea Burdick~

Overheard a hipster say "Quinoa is kind of 2011" so I lit his beard on fire.

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) June 23, 2012

~Original illustration by: @Pants~

Today is the kind of day where I shouldn't leave the house unless I have Yoshi and like three extra lives.

— Rory (@RorynotRoy) June 4, 2012

RT @jeffklinger: Fuck 10 minutes, I want a snooze button that says, "tomorrow."

— SpiveyAssassin (@shellyspivey) August 2, 2012