I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I've been using them for all this time.— Get Cougarized (@GetCougarized) March 25, 2012...

I consider myself ruthless since there are no Ruths in my life.— SAL (@gmossii) December 27, 2012 ~Illustrated by: Grant Kolton~Get this on a T-shirt over at the Twaggies Shop: I Consider Myself Ruthless...

Relationship status: binoculars— Ghandi's Dentist (@thatlionkid) March 8, 2013...

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.— Gяєєи вαвє (@iGreenBabe) July 19, 2012...

Any pizza can be a personal one if you cry while you eat it.— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 19, 2012 This week's tweets are brought to you by ManageFlitter, an amazing tool to manage your Twitter a...

I'm drawing a chalk outline around my sex life.— Pax Paxochka (@Paxochka) February 20, 2013...

Me? Just throwing magnets at strangers in the park to try to expose robots.— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) January 14, 2013...

Sometimes love is out to get your scalp.#valentinesday— David Barneda (@barneda) February 12, 2013...

Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January.— ali waller (@imaliwaller) February 14, 2011...

~Illustrated by: Neil McMillin~ Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it's very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) December 9, 2010...