I hate when you finally meet your Twitter crush and you find out that it was just some dumb cat walking around on a keyboard at a Starbucks. @StuffZacLearned...

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine. @OhNoSheTwitnt...

It's Saturday night & beautiful out you should be out making mistakes instead of listening to npr @MR_ever_e...

Liked something in real life. Looked for like button. Was disappoint.‏ @JoeFelice...

I wish I could put my whole fucking house in the washing machine. @slyoung5...

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the soup before it was cool. #wockawocka @NickFlora...

what was that, dudes, you can pee standing up? sorry i couldn't hear you over the sound of my 6th orgasm @jdelwoo...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. It - @jscottwilson...

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, then when I finally do, she's all "SLOW DOWN, IT'S NOT FUNNY! WE'RE ON A BRIDGE!!" @Coastiefish...

Sometime after I write it. Definitely not before that. RT @mrconti:@keithlaw when does your report on Charleston come out?...