Relationship status: binoculars— Ghandi's Dentist (@thatlionkid) March 8, 2013...

Oh you're a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes. Can't believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.— Manda Daisy Duke (@lilgapeach30) January 13, 2013...

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.— Gяєєи вαвє (@iGreenBabe) July 19, 2012...

I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. :(— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 22, 2012...

1. Change last name to Crunch.2. Join the military.3. Work my way up to Captain.4. Become Captain Crunch.5. WIN LIFE— Lesli (@leslid79) March 17, 2013...

Next time you're having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they're trying to do a push-up.— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) February 21, 2013 This week's tweets are br...

I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.— Men's Humor (@MensHumor) March 14, 2013 This week's tweets are brought to you by ManageFl...

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.— donni (@donni) July 30, 2011 This week's tweets are brought to you by ManageFlitter, an amazing tool to manage your Twitter account. We use it every day to see w...

Just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.on.fb.me/MWRXtJ— JDCrowe2 (@Crowetoons) June 27, 2012 This week's tweets are brought to you by ManageFlitter, an amazing tool to manage your Twitte...

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.— God (@TheTweetOfGod) March 9, 2013 This week's tweets are brought to you by ManageFlitte...