You Never Think You're Going to Be the Type of Space Captain to Throw Someone Out the Airlock

(Image: Battlestar Galactica/Sci-Fi Channel)

At McSweeney's, Captain Ariel Karlin writes of her great dilemma. We all grow up with images of space captains sending their enemies out airlocks in quick but bloody deaths. But we never expect to end up doing exactly what they did:

Listen, I know how this looks. I always said I wasn’t going to be “that guy.” Just because I have an airlock doesn’t mean I have to throw anyone out the airlock. And yes, at this point, it’s pretty overdone. But seriously, please step through the first airtight door.

It probably seems like every jackass with a spaceship is constantly throwing someone or other into space. And I don’t necessarily think of myself as the type of person who does things just because I have a certain role and I’ve seen representations of other people in that role behave a certain way. I hope you don’t think I’m that type of person either. Now take five steps forward so you’re in the center of the pressure vessel passageway.

Don’t look at me like that. This is hard for me, too! It’s a kick in the gut when you realize that the person you are as an adult doesn’t match up with who you thought you’d grow up to be. I thought a lot of things about my life would be different. I thought I’d be married by now. I thought I’d still be on Earth. I thought we were many years away from perfecting humanoid cybernetic organisms who could successfully challenge the authority of humankind. And I just never really saw myself as the type of guy who’d let anyone be ripped out of his spaceship into the vast unknown darkness.

It's okay, Captain. You're doing the right thing. The rest of us are completely loyal and will back you up.

-via Ace of Spades HQ