Dave Barry Explains Youth Soccer

(Photo: Army Youth Sports)

Soccer is a great sport for kids--especially young children. It teaches kids important values and is a lot of fun. Dave Barry, a humorist and writer, composed this Q&A for parents who are considering getting their kids involved in soccer. Barry explains the roles of parents, kids, and coaches in this formative activity. Here is a selection:

Q. What is the object of the game of soccer?

A. The object of the game of soccer is for your child to score goals, so that he or she will receive a full athletic scholarship to a Divison 1-A college.

Q. What is the role of the other children on my child’s team?

A. Their role is to pass the ball to your child.

Q. What position should my child play?

A. Your child should play forward.

Q. What should I do if the coach wants my child to be a defender?

A. Be reasonable. Ask the coach, calmly and politely, why he wants your child to play defense. Listen to his explanation, and consider it carefully. Then, file a lawsuit.

Q. How many minutes should my child play?

A. Your child should play however many minutes are in the game.

Q. When is it acceptable for the coach to substitute another player for my child?

A. When your child is not at the game.

Q. What is my job, as a parent, during a soccer game?

A. Your job is to yell instructions to your child and the other children on your child’s team.