When I try to recall the times when I heard the word "please" being used as a means of being polite toward someone, especially when asking for a favor or requesting for something, I only imagine it being said by a mom or another family member who's asking one of the other members of the family to pass something from the other side of the dining table, i.e. "Could you please pass the salt?" or something along those lines.
However, upon reflection, I also realized that you can still say that sentence without using the word "please", and it would still be acceptable. Although we were taught as children to use the word "please" whenever we ask someone to do something, as I grew older, I found other ways of making requests without having to use the word, as I found them softer or gentler than simply adding the word "please" in the sentence. In fact, some experts say that using the word "please" may come off as pushy or intrusive.
A new study from a team at UCLA has found that people use the word "please" only 7% of the time when making requests. Tanya Stivers, a sociology professor at UCLA and one of the researchers in the study said that people only used the word "please" when they expected their requests to be turned down as a means to convince or coerce the other person to actually do the request.
As an example, it would probably be excusable for a child to say "please" when making an unreasonable request or one to which they know that their parents wouldn't agree. And, to drive the point home a bit further, we often see a scene in which a child will even go so far as to say "pretty please" in order to convince their parent or the person being asked to acquiesce to their request. At that age, it's cute, but it's not something that well-adjusted adults usually do whenever making a polite request.
In other words, whenever people use the word "please", it can come off as condescending. Even outside the context of making requests, we often hear "please" being said in a sarcastic or patronizing tone. Furthermore, they found that this isn't a recent trend, but rather, research has shown that the same is true going back as far as the '70s.
Perhaps, the only context or scenario I can think of in which "please" becomes acceptable and less pushy is when somebody pairs it up with the phrase "excuse me", i.e. "Please excuse me" when apologizing for a certain behavior or when trying to leave a certain situation, such as when an awkward scene happens in a room, and you don't want to witness it any further.
Of course, we should still teach our children to be polite, and say "please" in the proper context. But it will also be a good idea to teach them alternative phrases or methods we can use to express politeness.
Oftentimes, using the words "would", "could", or "mind" can express the thought as these words imply that you're giving the listener the power to decide whether or not they want to do the thing you're asking them. They are less forceful and more considerate of the listener's circumstances and position.
Another way is to phrase your question as a suggestion with expressions like "How about..." again giving the listener the option of choosing what they want to do, instead of forcefully telling them what you want them to do.
And finally, leading with words of gratitude or appreciation also help soften the request, and so expressions like "I'd be so grateful if..." or "I would love it if..." can also ease the request into the conversation. Of course, tone and body language can also help get your point across further, and could show the listener our sincerity and humility in asking them a favor.
At the end of the day, it's not as though saying "please" automatically makes somebody sound rude or condescending, and it doesn't necessarily mean that adding it onto one's request will make it polite. It's about the attitude, demeanor, and the way we present our request to the other person, whether we respect their agency and willingness in doing the request.
(Image credit: Jennifer Latuperisa-Andresen/Unsplash)