Happy Father's Day!

I'd like to give my dad praise for being awesome enough to do his own version of #3 on the list. Instead of "killing the scary things", he had the powerful decency to catch them (in mugs, trash bags, his hands if need be) and release them back into the outdoors. What right do we have to end the life of another creature, much smaller than ourselves, simply because it frightens us irrationally? No right at all, that's what. Thanks for being you, pops.

Dear Dad, thanks for beating my siblings and abusing me to the point that I worked harder than any child should have to to escape your tyrannical control.

My father was a manager and a professional liar. He spent his days drinking coffee at the deli next door while his lackeys did all the work. He didn't teach me anything except how to manipulate people to get what you want. He taught me that everyone has an unconscious emotional bank-account, an idea he got from Dale Carnegies' How To Make Friends and Influence People. He said if I did nice things for people, they would then feel obligated to do what I want. He was very good at persuasion and is the reason he is now alienated from his own family. Happy Father's Day.

To paraphrase Chris Rock, no one thanks dads for the real work they do. "Boy, those electric lights sure make it easy to read at night. That hot running water sure gets clothes clean more easily than taking a washboard down to the river. That roof sure is good at keeping the rain off my head. All this food sure does prevent starvation."

I'm sure people's hearts are in the right place, but it's almost insulting to thank fathers for grilling some burgers or cleaning out a mousetrap, because it ignores their real contribution. Dads would probably rather be playing with their kids than earning the money to put them through college, but they make that sacrifice for their families. Thank your dad for slaving away in a tiny cubicle where no one respects him. Thank him for spending hundreds of hours stuck in traffic, commuting to a job he hates. Thank him for dealing with idiot co-workers and jerky customers. Thank him for the mortgage payments, the utilities bills, and the food on the table.