It's May, 2011 in sunny Santa Clarita, California. A gentle breeze is rolling in from the sea, adding a nice cool to the air on your face. It'd be a wonderful day to go down to the beach, or a hike in the mountains. You'd might consider doing either, but you're surrounded by a horde of the undead while inside the NeatoShop warehouse.
The fall of civilization came surprisingly quickly, as most people simply refused to divert their attention from petty concerns while the infection spread. You, too, were distracted by silly things, like the newest Rebecca Black video and Charlie Sheen's astonishing career comeback.
Now it's too late to make serious preparations. You'll just have to improvise from materials in your current location -- the warehouse serving the NeatoShop retailing empire.
What will you do? You came without so much as a rock in your pocket and now must survive using only the contents of the warehouse.
This is a contest. Look through the contents of the 'Shop and devise materials that you'll need to survive -- improvised weapons, water filters, medical equipment, cook stoves -- anything that you'll need to see through the end of this dark chapter in human history.
Leave the description your improvised survival tool in the comments. The most inventive/funniest/silliest will win your choice of any item under $25 from the NeatoShop, and several runners-up will win a t-shirt of their choice!
When you enter the description of your survival implement(s), be sure to also provide the name of the item that you want if you win. Please make sure that you provide a selection or your entry will not be considered.
(Original image credit: Flickr user theogeo)
Would Like to win: Harry Potter Sorting Hat
See, you start out with the http://www.neatoshop.com/product/Emergency-Inflatable-Brain that you stick inside of the http://www.neatoshop.com/product/Gas-Mask-Knit-Mask. Stuff some meat and Zombie Mints around the Inflatable brain so that it smells nice and gooey.
Then you get a shirt (http://www.neatoshop.com/product/Zombie-Eat-Flesh) and stuff that and some sweatpants with anything to make it look vaguely human. Then, all you have to do is carry it around with you in: http://www.neatoshop.com/product/Black-Knight-Plush-Backpack and when they approach, chuck the whole thing at the approaching zombies. :D
If I win I would like: http://www.neatoshop.com/product/Singing-In-The-Rain-Shower-Curtain
And the best brain in the whole world, the creme de la creme brain would be Einstein's brain. So, I would set a trap using the Einstein Little Giant Vinyl Figure (zombies are stupid so they need a good visual to entice them) AND the Emergency Inflatable Brain as lures to bring the zombies to my trap.
The trap involves a blind alley with a window up high where I would be safe from them and can look down upon them (contemptuously, as well as physically). ha! I would be wearing the Skull Knit Mask and Glow in the Dark Skeleton Gloves so the zombies would take no notice of my luscious brain and not want to eat me!
My weapon would be composed of the Rubberband Shooter Blaster Supreme combined with the Nose Pencil Sharpener joined together (too complicated to describe how I do that) and my ammo would be Bucky Balls. Aim that nose at the zombies and they get a double blast of steel Bucky Balls to their noggins. Bam! Bam! Bam! As soon as one goes down the zombies eat him/her. They will be very busy eating and I will be busy killing them ALL!
Bwahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!
Angel Wings Mug would be nice.
If I am a runner-up and get a T-shirt then "mmm-pi" size Large, please.
I'd then consult my "What Would Zombies Do" spinner to figure out their next move. I'd stock up on robber bands for the Rubber Band Blaster Supreme and The Dino Poppers.
All else Fails, I'd take a swig from my John Wayne Flask and Grab my Star Trek Pizza Cutter and hope for the best.. I'd be sure to wear my Hipster Mustache and "Princest" T Shirt for the irony because every one knows, even zombies, hipsters don't bathe and probably taste like ass....
Oh, I'd like the Exuvius Titaniam Multi tool Collar stays for the prize. Who knows, there may be another zombie attack later and I'd need to be prepared ;)
--Water and food:
Use (discontinued) Take out Trash container, tape to roof to catch rain, cut hole in bottom, use Hacked USB Flash drive to funnel into Zombie Juice water bottle (the apocalypse needs levity)And, if I can survive 12 years of undergrad and grad on mostly Ramen, then I can survive the zombie apocalypse on it as well.
For energy drink Zombie Awake! BATTLE!
--Medical whatnot:
Hand sanitizers! Pirate Bandaids will inspire fear and dread.
--Zombie Deterrents:
Pickle Soap--zombies (fact!) do not like pickles. Using pickle soap/lipbalm/mints will disguise the yummy smell of our tasty brains. The Bear hat will convince zombies that I am not a tasty human, but an untasty a bear.(Buffalo hat, Wolf hat, Chicken Mask, Horse Head Mas, etc…samesies.)The Emergency Inflatable Brains could be used to draw them away from me and the warehouse if I launch them off the roof.
--Weapons: The EnForKer! Rubber bands from Rubber Band Shooter Blaster Supreme attached to bent Extendable Backscratcher to make a bow. BBQ Sword Cooking forks(or Arrow Bookends) banded to Women of Science Rulers as arrows. If close combat happens, I may die because the Crowbar Bottle Opener and the Bloody Evidence Chef’s Knife are both discontinued.But, maybe I can jam the Screwpop 4-in one into a zombie head? Or flail around wildly with the Hammer Bottle Opener? And, to fill those long lonely apocolyptic nights, I will spend hours trying to figure out how to turn the Titanium Collar stays into projectiles with the Rubber Band Shooter Blaster Supreme.
--Other important things: Multiple-shaped Towel Treats of All KINDS, because a towel is the most useful thing in the universe! Micro-Max and Utili-Key!
Chicken Head Mask, if I win, please...to deter zombies, and freak out the neighbors!
Prize: Horse Hat
T-Shirt: Love Machine, Black, Large
I would like the Zombie: Eat Flesh t-shirt in ladies fit, size small. Black.
My Mario messenger (emergency) bag would include:
*the emergency card survival tool, utility key xt, and grenade screwdriver as essential tools for getting through a post-apocalyptic city.
*an emergency bowtie-because zombies are weakened by snappy fashion sense.
*robot bandages for high tech healing.
*instant underpants-because you never know when you are going to need a backup.
*camoflouage teepee for hiding when I need to rest out in the open.
*glow in the dark playing cards to avoid boredom when hiding in a safe house
*And lego torch and headlights for night and sewer travel.
For rations, I would pack astronaut ice cream and stay Puft caffeinated marshmallows (so I can remain constantly alert), and resident evil outbreak mints (there is no reason my breath should smell as bad as the zombies’)
I would fill a Chicken Bag with bucky balls to create a blunt force melee weapon for up close battles, and use holy hand grenades of Antioch to cull the zombie hordes from a distance. Robot alarm clocks and emergency inflatable brains covered in True Blood can be used to lure zombies into traps or away from me as I travel.
I would like a Lego Torch Construction Worker.
Prize: Horse Head Hat
T-Shirt: Love Bug, Royal Blue, Large
Also, I would like said horse head mask if you select me
*sung with the subway theme song
Have people no imagination?
To battle such zombies one only need to obey the herd instincts, do not attempt to reason or observe keenly anything that goes on. Grab a bag of potato chips, slink down in your couch and watch SpikeTV. That will fool them, but if that doesn't work ordering any one of the many useless gadgets Neatorama has to offer will send a strong message that you are not a rational creature.
On that note. I would like to assert my irrationality by adorning myself in a "I'm not a schizophrenic..." shirt or by disarraying a 3D Brain Anatomy model.
More details:
1. Use the Micro-Max 19-in-1 to unscrew (always have the Micro-Max with you as it is the most handy tool) 2. Use cable from Audio Bone 1.0 Headphones to tie Shredsor blade to umbrella.
Additional tools:
I would keep several Fart Extinguishers with me and use them as flame throwers to burn those zombies up.
Bucky balls are also a good idea to have around as a trap to make the zombie lose their balance before you slice them up. Other LED lights, products with torches could serves as a distraction to the zombie or to mislead them!
Warning:
Please only use the Shredsorblade in the event of a zombie attack as it is too deadly. Hope we survive.
If I win!!! I would like the Harry Potter Sorting Hat! If I get runner-up, I would like a Protected by Ninja Kitty shirt, Mens, Medium.
And I'll be keeping a container of the Resident Evil Outbreak Mints in my back pocket, just in case some other unfortunet humans happen to find their way to my lonely outpost and we need to work on repopulating the earth afterwards.
If i win I want a deck of the silver playing cards.
1. Critical Hit: LED Flashing D20 Die - for the moments when in a group setting and volunteers are not forthcoming for chores like carnage cleanup.
2. Credit card survival tool - because all-in-one tools always come in handy
3. Zombie mints - essential when meeting new people, especially if re-populating the world is needed
Totem Salt and Pepper Shaker - oOps, impulse buy ;-D
If I win: I would like the Remote Control Zombie