This week is the American Humane Society’s “Be Kind to Animals Week,” and while I certainly support their objective of stopping animal abuse and educating people about how to be a better pet owner, it’s easy to take the notion of “being kind” a bit too far. Sure we’ve all seen friends or family members that have spoiled their pets a little too much (even I have a few shirts for my pup), but these products and services simply cross the line of acceptable pampering. Special thanks to my friend Lady Bee from InventorSpot who provided a huge boost to my research on this article with her exceptional animal products blog.
Say Hello To Your New Dinner Guest
Remember how people used to teach their dog not to beg at the table? This pup high chair mocks your concepts of table manners and good conversation. Sure your pet may be a member of the family, but I don’t think most dogs would want to sit in this high chair, even in exchange for a fine dining experience.
Wash Up!
Of course, if Fido is going to join you for dinner, you’d better make sure he’s clean first. This Dog-O-Matic washing machine may sound like a sketch comedy show commercial, but it is absolutely real and the owner just swears that dogs love it –and who wouldn’t love getting stuck in a metal box and sprayed with soap and water?
Breathe Easier
Sure your home ionizing air purifier may still provide cleaner air to your pup, but is it enough? And what about when he’s outside and is breathing all that dirty, unpurified fresh air? Fortunately this Mini Ionizing Air Purifier for Pets can help your little one breathe easier as they track it through the house and yard on their collar. It also has scent cartridges to help make your dog stink less, but there’s no point in pretending those are really for the pup.
Oxygen Overload
If the air purifier wasn’t enough, maybe your animal needs a full dose of oxygen therapy. This dog oxygen chamber allows your animal to take part in the same trendy breathing exercises that are available to human clientele the world over. Apparently, they’re very popular with the pets in Japan, and its easy to see why --just look how happy the dog is in the photo.
Down Boy Down
Once your pup is properly oxygenated, you’d better spritz on some Sexy Beast perfume to help ensure she maintains a delicate and lovely fragrance throughout the day. Sexy Beast is normally extravagantly overpriced at $50 for a 1.7 ounce bottle, but if you really want to throw down, you could instead buy the limited edition version with a bottle covered in Swarovski crystals. It’s only a mere $850 for a 3.4 ounce bottle and surely it will only rise in price, after all, it is limited edition.
Over the Top Dress Up
When you really want to feel like you’re on the same level with your dog though, it’s all about the clothes. And while most people feel content with dog shirts and the Snuggie for Dogs, you’re in a whole different plane of existence when you decide that your dog needs a $3000 dress covered in Swarovski crystals. Sure the dress is cute, you know what else is cute though? The 200 animals you could help provide food, shelter and care for if you donated your $3000 to the humane society instead of spending the money on a dress your dog will probably destroy within the week (I got that figure from a donation flier they sent me last year).
Out On the Town
Now that you and Fluffy are all dolled up, maybe it’s time to head out to the L.A. dog bar, SkyBark, and enjoy a brew with your furry friend. Lucky for you, SkyBark even serves beer made for dogs. Happy Tail Ale is a carbonation-free, alcohol-free beverage brewed especially for dogs.
Tweeting The Night Away
When your dog wanders off at the bar to get some privacy with a hot collie, now you can even track her with your smart phone via Twitter. Just get her this great Puppy Tweets accessory and everything she does will show up on her own special Twitter feed.
Puppybjorn?
When you’re dog is to tired to carry itself home from the bar, you have your option of carriers and while pet carriers are nothing new, and neither are Babybjorns, you get something delightfully new when you mesh the two together. Now you can carry your four-legged friend on your chest and display a whole new level of crazy. The funny thing is this gesture isn’t viewed as “I love my dog,” but instead as “I desperately want a child.” And once again, this creation is simply not something animals really want. After all, do you really think your pet is happy sitting up like that with his arms swinging?
Bye Bye Brown Eye
I admit it, the concept of butt covers for pets really bothers me. At least the similar product of dog panties is more like silly clothing and innocent costume play for the pooch. All these "Rear Gears" do is hide the animal’s butt. If you’re really that insecure about your animal’s behind then you probably aren’t going to clean up after your dog on walks and you probably leave your kitty litter dirty for months at a time…bottom line, if you think you need these, you probably shouldn’t have a pet. Oh, and good luck removing the butt cover when your animal does its business despite your cartoon coverup.
Big Ballin'?
If you want to find the ultimate method of pretending to pamper your pet when the only one receiving benefit is your self-confidence though, Neuticles are the way to go. Despite constant messages from vets and other animal care workers telling us that animals don’t notice when their testicles are removed, Nueticles prides itself in helping you fool your animal into thinking nothing’s different by switching their natural testes with silicone replacements. Of course, the products do help promote neutering among people who still can’t deal with having an emasculated dog and for that, they should be commended, but the idea itself is still solely for the vanity of the owner.
Can You Ear Me Now?
Where Neuticles actually at least promote a healthy practice amongst dog owners, the company’s other product PermaStay Ear Implants actually help promote an outdated and unhealthy practice. Most modern vets will not even crop dog’s ears because the unnecessary surgery can result in both anesthesia dangers and infections. That doesn’t stop the PermaStay folks from urging pet owners to not only get the procedure, but then to put their dog under additional stress and danger if the cropping fails and the animal’s ear becomes floppy. When this happens, the owner is not supposed to just lovingly accept their dog’s floppy ear, but to put the dog under anesthesia and have plastic implants added to prevent the floppiness. While the inventor, Gregg Miller, claims the dog doesn’t feel the implant in his ear, the problem is that dogs actually suffer immense pain after ear cropping. So Happy Be Kind to Animals Week everyone, but remember, not everything that claims to be invented for your pet is actually a good way to be kind to them. I know I couldn't possibly list all the wacky pet products here, so what are your favorite weird animal items?
And also, there is only one vet within a hour+ drive radius that will do ear crops; it is quite rare, and will be pretty much impossible to find anyone to perform it in the next decade as the "old school" vets retire.
I have to nitpick about talking about pain management in pets though: yes, any surgical procedure causes pain. However,in cases where people are getting pricey elective surgeries, they are also usually paying for comprehensive pain medications. (Often I think we can be better about pain management than human doctors) There are always exceptions, but I think as a group most vets insist on quality pain management.
As far as crazy clients that hand-feed their pup hot dogs or a Happy Meal, we will see them a few days later when their poor pet has developed fat-induced pancreatitis.
On the flip side, these people will usually bend over backwards to keep their pets healthy and happy, and I can jive with that just fine, as long as they don't ask me to go on the crazy-train with them :)