I'd like to think that we have a pretty good customer service here at Neatorama, so I was shocked - shocked! - to read that Deborah and Wayne are unhappy about a product they bought.
They sent us this email (underlined links are mine, otherwise, it's a copypasta. Yes, I really did get this email)
Neatorama.com
26450 Ruether Ave. #202
Santa Clarita, CA 91350Regarding order #105174
To Whom It May Concern:
Thank you for the prompt shipment of our order. The giant microbe plush toys far exceeded our wildest expectations. The brain cell is a sensuously soft tactile treat, and the Darwin and Einstein action figures are much as expected. We would not hesitate to recommend the service and products of your site to anyone, save for one glaring exception:
The squirrel underpants leave us beyond disappointed. Upon turning over the package, we discovered, much to our initial confusion (which quickly turned to horror and revulsion) that the garment lacks the requisite squirrel tail hole. What, if not a tail hole would distinguish squirrel underpants from, say, doll underpants or (gasp) guinea pig pants? Neither the packaging, nor indeed the description on your site gave us any indication that these would not be fully functional underwear for intact squirrels. Ninety seven percent of the squirrels on whom we tried these undergarments appeared to agree that they were uncomfortable.
Here on the East Coast, we do not dock the tails of our squirrels. Having spent some time on the west coast, we feel sure that we would have noticed all of the squirrels running about missing their tails, but then again, we lived in Northern California, where the squirrels, like so many of their human counterparts, choose to go au natural. We understand that “tucking” is a common practice in SoCal; Connecticut squirrels, however, rarely dress in full drag on the front lawn. This seems to be a case of Southern California cosmetic surgery run amok, if you and the manufacturer of this item are assuming that all underwear-wearing squirrels are “fixed” in this manner. Perhaps you would consider amending the description to clarify that these squirrel underpants are not suitable for unaltered squirrels.
Fortunately, we know a number of dolls and guinea pigs who would benefit from a sense of modesty, so we will be keeping these so-called squirrel underpants, as it is not worth the cost of postage to return them to you.
Good day, Sir
Deborah and Wayne
Now, I must say that nearly all Southern California squirrels that I'm familiar with do appear to have some sort of cosmetic enhancement (after all, we're no that far from Hollywood ...)
I'm sure you all agree that this letter needs answerin' and pronto. So, to tap the wisdom of the Web, let me turn this over to you, dear Neatoramanauts. What would be your response to Deborah and Wayne and their Connecticut squirrels if you were to write a reply?
Let's make this a bit more interesting: the best one gets a free novelty ice tray of their choice (and for good measure, we'll send the same one to Deb & Wayne for being very cool about the whole underpants business)
Update 7/26/09 - Congratulations to lunarmagpie who won this round!
We now realize we were being entirely too optimistic in assuming it would be obvious that our Squirrel Underpants come unfinished so they might be custom tailored to perfectly fit each squirrel.
As you must have noticed while trying this fine garment on different squirrels, tail-set on this four-legged customer are widely varied. Some squirrels' tails are located much higher on the rump than others, making it virtually impossible for us to simply churn out underpants "one size fits all." Instead, we strive for a quality product each squirrel can feel proud of.
We do apologize for the misunderstanding, and suggest you contact a good squirrel tailor in your area to have them do the necessary measuring, cutting and hemming required to make your squirrel underpants fit your furry friend like a glove.
There's no doubt in our minds that you and your squirrel will be absolutely delighted with your pants once this custom alteration has been made. Your understanding in this matter is greatly appreciated.
With kind regards,
Neatorama Squirrel Boutique,
etc., etc.
First of all let me thank you for your patronage of the Neatorama store. I am glad you are enjoying your purchases.
With regard to the squirrel underpants and the lack of a opening for the fore mentioned squirrel. This is a matter of hygiene. Our certified underpants engineers did extensive research and discovered that the majority of squirrels are not potty trained. Thus the assumption that the creature will sooner or later make use of the underpants as a waste collection device. The lack of a tail opening is meant to protect the tail of the animal by keeping it away from the area in question. As you may or may not know, the tail of a squirrel is its lifeline. If say the squirrel is swimming and his tail becomes wet he will sink. So, we felt it was more important to keep this important appendage as clean and protected as possible. It is merely a case of function over form.
We have received several inquires similar to yours regarding a lack of tail opening and are currently investigating ways to remedy this issue. Depending on how our engineers determine to best solve this issue we may be required to issue a recall on all squirrel underpants for service to correct this design flaw.
On your suggestion of using the underpants for a doll or guinea pig. Please use this product only as described on the packaging. Use of the squirrel underpants on any other animal or toy could result in damage to the underpants and the animal/toy they are used on. Any damage caused by improper use of this product is not covered by the warranty and improper use will void your warranty. We do however have interest in your idea and have instructed our HR department to begin a search for doll/guinea pig underpants engineers. Once we have the staff to undertake such a product I would like to have our team consult with you regarding product development of such a device.
I hope I have adequately addressed your concerns regarding this issue.
Thank you for your continued support of Neatorama and the Neatorama store.
Sincerely,
Neatorama.com Staff
You are right.
We are wrong.
We apologize.
Here's your money back.
We are sorry to have overlooked that small but important feature in our product. Due to your mis-satisfaction, we will kindly offer you your money back. As you'll still have the underpants, I hope that you'll make good use of them, and perhaps have some dolls or small tail-les rodents to put them on.
Also, if you wish to decline the money back offer in turn of another pair of "Fixed" squirrel underpants, we would be delighted to work with you. However, we cannot say that it will fit all squirrels you try them out on, as all squirrels are different, and while some would find it very comfortable indeed, others would find the ones without a hole more comfortable.
However, if you should live in the area of Chernobyl by chance, let us know and we will put a specified number of holes in the underpants for you.
Sincerely,
Neatorama staff
First, please excuse the lateness of this missive, as we have been alternatively hitting each other, and blaming each other about this unfortunately squirrel tail hole issue.
We have never had such an oversite in our past, and we have newly commisioned a department to address these sorts of problems in the future. The Neatorama Committee on Squirrel Tail Holes and Other Such Issues, (The NCSTHOSI)has spent literally minutes on your squirrel tail hole issue, and we have are ready to make the following suggestions.
1. Pretend that the Squirrel Underwear in question was a novelty item, and replace it in its original packaging; hoping that the value of the item will increase over time.
2. Cut a hole in the underwear.
3. Cut a hole in the squirrel.
4. Cut the squirrel's tail off.
5. Cut a hole in your own underwear out of a misguided sense of commraderie.
6. Breed tail-less squirrels.
7. Shut up.
8. Try turning the squirrel inside out, carefully keeping the tail internal, well what used to be external any way, before the inside out turning procedure.
9. No, don't do that, that was a bad idea. We tried it, and it was VERY messy.
10. (this one caused quite a bit of contention at the NCSTHOSI, two fistfigts, one resignation, and a bit with the police showing up, so we were a little hesitant to include it, but here goes) Give up and go naked, like the squirrels.
Thanks in advance for your understanding, and willingness to not involve the court system. Please find enclosed a waiver of your rights to litigation should you choose to try to turn a squirrel inside out.
We look forward to doing business with you in the future.
Dr. Josephus J. Higglebothem
Chairman
NCSTHOSI
P.s. I hate squirrels. Furry little rats.
Get bent.
Kindly,
Neatorama
cute email guys, reminds me of a book called Letters from a Nut
While we appreciate your feedback, we definitely won't be changing our entire stock of squirrel underwear on account of a couple of nuts.
Love,
Neatorama
Thank you for your letter. It is with great regret that you have informed us that you are not happy with a product.
We will refund your purchase price of the Squirrel Underpants. Please keep the underpants, as state laws prohibit the return of undergarments. Perhaps you might be able to find a prairie dog that could wear the underpants. Just do not tell it, that they are for squirrels. They can be sensitive about that. They have image issues with being seen as the "squirrel's not so cute cousin".
We appreciate your continued patronage of the Neatorama store, and would like you to be a happy and satisfied customer. In doing so we have included a free set of Strawz, for you to enjoy.
Hugs n kisses
Neatorama
Thank-you for bringing this error to our attention. We contacted the manufacturers, and the Squirrel Pants assembly line was immediately shut-down and all remaining stock destroyed.
This means that you are the lucky owners of a RARE and COLLECTIBLE pair of first generation squirrel pants. We suggest that you leave the tags intact and repackage them as carefully as possible. Store them properly for a few years, and they are sure to bring you a huge profit on Ebay.
In the meantime, we will credit your account for the full-price of the squirrel pants towards a future purchase from the Neatorama store.
Have a nice day!
The Neatorama staff
We have forwarded your complaint to our squirrel representative, Chippy. Here is Chippy's response:
"Chk chpp cht cht cht cht cht cht skrkrkrkrk. Cht chee chp chp chp chp skrrrittt-t-t-t-t-t-t chp chp. Chp cht cht cht cht skrit chp."
We hope this clears things up.
The Neatorama staff
Local regulations prevented us from advertising the special features of the Squirrel Underpants. These undergarments for your rodents are specially designed to impress the female of the species by using a classic method known as 'tucking in a sock'... Only our friendly critters have their own "sock" built in. Instruct, or gently assist, your squirrel in fitting in these undergarments by tucking his tail forward and then positioning the remainder in an appropriately squirrelish phallic shape. Your lucky stud squirrel will take to this amusing human practice soon enough, but he'll thank you for it.
Most Sincerely,
The Neatorama Staff.
Our apologies from Neatorama, we did not realize that while potty training your squirrel you did not adhere to proper standards of defluffing an stuffing the tail of your pet squirrel. Naturally we assumed that when your baby squirrel was in diapers, they did not contain holes, for the mess would be unfortunate.
Hopefully you will except our condolences, for the product. For future reference we would be happy to show off you squirrel pictures on Neatorama, in the the unfortunate underpants to warn others of there effectiveness on only tail trained squirrels.
Thank you again for buying the product and we hope to receive photos of your beloved pet soon.
Sincerely Neatorama
Enclosed please find one genetically altered squirrel with no tail. This should solve your dilemma. Be careful, she is pregnant and due any day. Also, please feed her, she has had a long trip. She likes nuts like you.
Enjoy.
Yous very truly,
Neatorama
Let me direct you to a grommet site:
http://www.ahh.biz/hardware_catagories/oversized_grommet_kits.htm
Good luck and sorry for the inconvenience. Our design error simply reflects the consequences of our "no animal testing" policy.
Team Neatorama
While we are dismayed to learn you are not completely satisfied we must request that you refer to the products original packaging. Specifically, please refer to the image prominently displayed on the front of the item card, and using this as a guide, note the proper fit of the squirrel underpants. The squirrel shown has indeed tucked his tail, but not between his legs. Instead his tail is eased up between his back and the garment in a way that is meant to suggest style and flair, not cross dressing as you suggest.
Most Sincerely,
The Neatorama Staff.