Artist Statement Translated

and besides y'all, this "artist's statement" was intentionally honest and rather amusing!

That's a lame perspective and opinion, Ziggy. There's good art and there's bad art. There are good artist statements and bad artist statements. Sometimes the art and the statement don't match up well; some artists are better writers than producers of work & vice versa. And the 'legitimization' of any art or artist rests in ones personal tastes. Beyond that there is academia/the industry/circles of this & that etc. to wade through, which is a whole other long-winded and ultimately fruitless (but fun!) discussion with no 'right' or 'wrong' conclusion.
If that's truly your opinion on 'art' then you're likely just cheating yourself.

I find artist's statements annoying simply because if any artist needs to publish a statement then they are not a particularly good artists. Art should always be able to stand on its own. If the artist needs to explain their philosophy then they are clearly not confident that their work can stand up for itself.