Revenge Gone Wild!

The following is reprinted from Uncle John's Unstoppable Bathroom Reader book.

We all have fantasies of getting even with people who annoy us ... but we seldom actually go through with them . Here are some examples of what could happen if we did.

REVENGE OF THE PHONE CLERK

Background: In early 2002, New Zealander James Storrie called New Zealand Telecom Corporation to complain that his cell phone had been disconnected. When the representative informed him that the phone had been reported stolen, Storrie insisted that he still had the phone and that he had not reported its theft. The mistake was cleared up, but the representative (identity unknown) was apparently offended by Storrie's attitude.

Revenge Gone Wild! When Storrie received his next phone bill, he found that he'd been charged an extra $140. What for? The explanation was printed right on the bill: "penalty for being an arrogant bastard." N.Z. Telecom apologized profusely, offered Storrie some undisclosed financial compensation, and promised to investigate the vengeful billing.

REVENGE OF THE BAD WAITER

Background: One evening in June 2003, Wayne and Darlene Keller of Corona, California, took their two children to a Sizzler's restaurant. Mrs. Keller requested vegetables with her dinner, instead of potatoes. According to the family, the waiter, Jonathan Voeltner, rudely told her that she had to choose between French fries or baked potato. "When I told him my wife can't eat potatoes," Said Mr. Keller, "he brought back a really small salad, practically threw it at her, and told her to go get the dressing herself." After the meal, the Kellers left - and they didn't leave a tip.

Revenge Gone Wild! Voeltner had his girlfriend follow the Kellers home to get their address. When he got off work, he, his girlfriend, and his brother went to the Keller home, waited until 1 a.m., and then doused their house, yard, and mailbox with a gallon of maple syrup, smashed eggs, toilet paper, duct tape, and plastic wrap. They might have gotten away with it, but in a state of heightened stupidity, Voeltner rang the doorbell. Then he hid in the bushes and waited to see their reaction. Their reaction: They called the police. Officers found Voeltner in the bushes and his co-conspirators in a nearby car. When they presented the suspects to the Kellers, Mrs. Keller said, "Oh my God! It's the waiter from the restaurant!" They were all charged with vandalism, with Voeltner receiving an extra charge of child endangerment because his girlfriend was a minor. He was also fired by Sizzler's. "The company doesn't allow this sort of thing," the manager said.

(Photo: tom.arthur [Flickr])

REVENGE OF THE POSTMASTER

Background: On October 17, 2001, 62-year-old James Beal was fired from his job as relief postmaster in Empire, Michigan.

Revenge Gone Wild! The next day, Beal showed up at the post office carrying two five-gallon buckets full of worms, grubs, and porcupine poop. He proceeded to splatter several of his former co-workers with the putrid concoction, completely saturating two of them. He was on his way to his car for another bucket when police arrived. For his bizarre act of revenge, he was charged with four counts of assaulting a federal worker. "I let my anger sort of overrule my judgments," Beal told the court. He was sentenced to 18 months in federal prison.

(Photo: Drpoulette [Flickr])

REVENGE OF THE NON-WITNESS

Background: Jane White was upset that Jehovah's Witness had come to her house once a month, every month, for 12 years. At first, she politely told them that she wasn't interested. Finally, after a visit on a Saturday in January 2002, she had had enough.

Revenge Gone Wild! White went to the group's local Kingdom Hall in Peacehaven, England, the following morning, carefully timing her visit for the middle of the Sunday service. She banged on the door loudly, again and again, until someone answered, and then proceeded to offer members of the congregation religious literature that she had brought along. "I tried to hand out free magazines just like the Jehovah's Witness hand out," she said. "Nobody seemed to want them though." She continued her "mission" for 30 minutes until the police showed up and asked her to leave.

(Photo: creepysleepy [Flickr])

REVENGE OF THE SPAM HATERS

Background: In November 2002, Detroit Free Press columnist Mike Wendland wrote a story about a man named Alan Ralsky. Ralsky had become a multimillionaire through marketing spam on the Internet. How much spam? His company sent up to 250 million e-mails a day. The story told readers about Ralsky's new 8,000-square-foot, $740,000 home. The spammer bragged that one entire wing of the house was paid for by a single weight-loss e-mail.

Revenge Gone Wild! A group of spam haters decided to give Ralsky a dose of his own medicine. They posted his home address on hundreds of websites, and Ralsky started getting tons - literally - of junk mail. Then they posted his e-mail address and his phone number, and the mega-junkmailer got inundated with the very thing he had made his millions from - spam. And, no surprise: He was annoyed! Ralsky later complained, "They've signed me up for every advertising campaign and mailing list there is. These people are out of their minds! They're harassing me!"

(Photo: The Detroit News)